#Girl is depressed & pessimistic as hell

[battlelaine]

Which DND class suits your personality?

Cleric of the Twilight Domain

You’re dedicated, caring, and probably a sucker for happy endings. You spend so much time helping other people that you might forget to take care of yourself. You’re very idealistic and have a strong sense of faith in your beliefs, which may be actual religious beliefs or just your personal moral code. You like to be prepared for a variety of situations and you may have a bit of a protective side. The twilit transition from light into darkness often brings calm and even joy, as the day's labors end and the hours of rest begin. The darkness can also bring terrors, but the gods of twilight guard against the horrors of the night. Clerics who serve these deities bring comfort to those who seek rest and protect them by venturing into the encroaching darkness to ensure that the dark is a comfort, not a terror. You’re not the type of person to fear the dark or the night. You’re comfortable with a little uncertainty you might find yourself drawn to the mysterious or the unknown. You have a quiet bravery that you may use to help inspire others to overcome their fears. You’re a protective person but you protect not by force or physical strength, but through inspiration and keeping a watchful eye out for potential danger.

[cinnamonest]

May I present to you... innocent playgirl reader x modern au incel scara??

Like reader is just a sweet gal that thinks this boy who she's in a project with is pretty and despite his weird and creepy behaviour, it's a good thing she's trying to make a move, because y'know! it's actually women's fault that men get so frustrated and depressed since they never give the short guys a chance! Only go for the top 1% and all that.

Unfortunately after scara naps her, noncons the absolute, living daylights out of her, and continues to terrorize her ass does she realize that being nice and sweet to the degenerate, sexist incel in hopes of fixing him wasn't the brightest idea 😔

(If you can't tell I love the idea of kind n sweet MC who doesn't know any better getting her shit wrecked for no good reason because incel scara is just that much of an asshole)

Ohhhh my God bless you for this

Precisely, it’s so unfair. It’s just extra inches of leg bone, it means nothing. And yet day in, day out, the oppressed class (sub-6-foot males) have to deal with unjust discrimination. All because you have the most superficial desires and can’t compromise on such a silly thing. No, you’d rather whore around with some guy that will just use you and cheat on you because your dumb girl brain seeks that out like every other. And in spite of being smarter and better than the neanderthals you choose to date, which should entitle him to pussy, he’s left with nothing but porn and his hand. The world is an unjust place.

He’s pessimistic as all hell, so he can’t take any kindness or attempts at getting closer from you at face value, there has to be an ulterior motive.

You’re only pleasant to him when you talk to him because you want something. You probably expect him to do work for you, or help you cheat on tests for you or fork over money. You think he’s the sort of loser that will salivate over any girl that gives him a shred of attention, don’t you. That he’ll run himself ragged doing whatever for you just to get your approval. Well. You’re not going to get that.

It goes along with this greater idea of you he’s crafted in his head, one that fits a similarly pessimistic image. It doesn’t matter how “innocent��� you are, literally anything you say or do, he’s projecting this stereotype of a secretly not-so-innocent, ultra-promiscuous college girl onto you and using it as both justification for his disdain and as a means of rationalize not leaping at this rare chance for female interaction — it’s not that he’s too afraid of rejection, it’s just that he knows that talking to you is a waste of time anyway, you undoubtedly have guys lined up you're fucking on a regular basis.

Besides, even if he tried, you’re far too dull-brained, so any conversations you’re capable of aren’t going to be stimulating anyway. You’re in college, of course you’ve spent all this time racking up a body count because God knows girls only use college as a means to get dicked all the time, they don’t actually care for academics in any way.

And poor you, you're completely oblivious to his bitter seething. You just think he's just quiet. And surely he doesn’t come off as rude and cold on purpose, no, you tell yourself that he probably just is one of those guys that is naturally like that, it’s not malicious.

But then you have to start going out of your way to be actively nice. Trying to make conversation and say nice things — you must think he’s stupid, that he doesn’t know that it’s actually just fake niceness so you can lure him in and get him to say something you can then mock him for in that faux-sweet tone of yours. In the exact opposite of your assumptions on him, he assumes malice in everything you do and say. He won’t give you the satisfaction of giving you leverage, so, he stays quiet, gives you one-word answers and shrugs.

What plans do you have for the weekend?, you say, in your attempts to make conversation. Ugh.

Not only are you trying to jab at him by reminding him that he has no plans other than staying inside and wallowing, but clearly you do have plans, undoubtedly ones that end with you stumbling home in a walk-of-shame on a Sunday morning.

And the nicer you get, the more you irritate him. What makes you think you can just be like that? All smiley and sunshine-like, and for what? To mock him? Acting innocent and sweet as if you don't know what kind of power you inherently hold just by having a hole between your legs, as if you're not actively abusing that power when you're clearly trying to get him to be attracted to you.

Each and every class period, he ends up so infuriated by the few words you exchange that the only way he can even stay sane is by immediately going back to his apartment after class and releasing all the pent up frustrations via exceptionally violent porn. He's got a few specifics pages bookmarked now, girls that look just like you getting slapped around and choked and manhandled and skull-fucked and gaped… but it's just not satisfying enough, there's still this lingering irritation, a skin-crawling malice that won't go away.

It's not good enough to imagine. If anything, the post-orgasmic clarity just makes the whole thing feel pathetic — it's not really you, you get to be all happy and safe and sound when it should be you, you should be the one being brutalized and put in your place, you deserve it for being so damn nice. So pleasant and upbeat and kind and what gives you the right?

In the end, once the burning fury becomes too much and no one else is going to do it, the only option is to take matters into his own hands…

[ummmlife]

Poor, sad, miserable teen!Nanami

Warnings!: post Haibara's death Nanami ; teen nanami ; angst (?) ; fluff (?) ; nanami×reader ; she / her pronouns reader ; reader is Nanami's (check on the translator) senior (aka Gojo's age) ; headcanon, drabble, idk, i wrote. if something doesn't makes sense, my sincerest apologies for not knowing how to speak english properly 🫠

We already know that teenage Nanami was a very pessimistic and unsociable person. While our adult Nanami is an exemplary person who knows social norms well and follows them perfectly, teenage Nanami was not like that. He was trained to be an adult from the young age of 15 (I assume because of Itadori's age).

But what events happened to turn Kento Nanami from an inexperienced (emo) teenager to an exemplary adult?

Tragedies, that's what happened.

In our modern society we know and understand that child labor is something inconceivable and even illegal in many countries, I mean, it is written in human rights. So we could assume that Jujutsu society operates the same way... Hahaha no. Good grief, if that were so there would be no such thing as manga/anime (Akutami you're cruel).

Why would we believe that in a society commanded by conservative and traditionalist elders, who (and this is my thought) surely rejoiced when Japan was a colonizing empire during WWII, would protect children? In this cruel world you learn to survive, and burdened with the curse of being a Jujutsu Sorcerer you have no escape.

So Nanami, against his will and coming from a family of non sorcerers, is forced to settle in this rotten society.

If being a sorcerer is a very low possibility, probably much lower than winning the lottery, it would not be difficult to expect that in a single class there would be one or at most three Jujutsu students. This was the case with Nanami and Haibara. Two kids with completely different personalities and motivations who, by the vagaries of the universe, ended up in the same situation together (and with the same fate awaiting them. Crying).

Nanami, yes, was a pessimistic, introverted, grumpy teenager, but at least he had Haibara with him who, even if he never said it out loud, gave him hope that maybe and just maybe being a sorcerer wasn't so bad.

Hell only knows the pain and despair the death of his only friend caused Nanami.

To be born into a faded world only to meet a rainbow and then have it snuffed out by a typhoon, yeah, it wasn't easy. Nanami could even understand why Suguru Geto, who by the way Haibara was a fan of, decided to become a Curse User. For Nanami himself the temptation was so much, so palpable and easy to choose. But he knew that: 1. Haibara wouldn't have liked it, 2. Following Geto's path would have mentally exhausted him more and 3. He couldn't afford to hurt more fellow Jujutsu Sorcerers.

That is why Nanami was only looking forward to his graduation day, but silently. He wished to simply disappear, not only from the Sorcerer profession but also from this world.

Nanami was lost, mired in depression and no one seemed to care. If everyone was so busy minding their own business then he had to mind his own life as well. Go on missions alone, study alone, fight alone, eat alone, live and wait to die alone.

— "Are you sleeping well? I notice you're more exhausted than before."

Maybe he wasn't as alone as he thought, maybe he mattered to someone: his senior.

Another sorceress a year above him, a classmate of Gojo and Ieiri. A sweet and caring girl for whom, at some point when Haibara was still alive, Nanami felt loving feelings for her begin to surface.

— "Yeah... I'm fine."

Lying is bad but worrying others is worse.

Nanami was eating lunch, alone as usual, a sandwich he made himself. Sitting on the stairs outside the school listening to the cicadas and the sound of the leaves on the trees moving in the soft autumn wind. His senior sat beside him, in complete silence, knowing full well that Nanami is not a big fan of social interactions.

— "I hear you've perfected your innate Cursed Technique..."

Still, she tries to dialogue with him. At least a little bit.

— "Yeah…"

Nanami might feel uncomfortable, but the closeness of his senior makes him feel calm, it makes him feel peace.

In a world where children are forced to live and think like adults in life and death situations, the company of someone who is at least a little more mature is comforting.

— "I miss him too, you know? Haibara."

It hurts, it hurts so much. Nanami stops eating as he feels his stomach twist with the memories of that fateful day when Haibara was killed because of a mistake by the adults, they sent them to their death and it was all because of a mistake. Nanami closes his eyes and breathes in an attempt to calm his anxiety.

This has happened before, indeed, it happens every night. Nanami hasn't been able to sleep well since the Haibara incident, having no one to comfort or hold him when he cries his soul out before trying to sleep.

That's why the moment he felt his senior's delicate hands bringing his head to her shoulder to comfort him it completely threw him off. It felt good, warm for the first time.

— "If you keep holding back you're going to end up hurting yourself even more."

That sentence alone was enough to make Nanami completely break down in tears. It was the first time in years feeling comfort from someone in such an intimate and satisfying way.

Nanami cried, hugged and clung to his senior as he had never done with anyone before, only maybe with his mother when he was a child. He couldn't contain himself when he felt her lips gently pressing against his crown of his head, it was like a dream.

— "Can I ask you not to leave?"

It was so embarrassing but so necessary for him to ask that. Her senior's soft and sweet smile was like a gift to his aching heart.

— "I don't plan to go anywhere."

*sobs* Emo Nanami, so cute ‹𝟹 must protect!!!!!

[littledollll]

Foolish

Lucifer Morningstar x human!reader

A/n: this started as one thing and turned into another so I’m sorry if the plot is all over the place. But hey, first October post, it’s my birthday month‼️

Warnings: humans being stupid, unrequited love? idk what else.

____________________________________

“Have you ever seen them in such despair?… I’m almost worried for them..” a servant whispered to Mazikeens ear as she watched her lord in what seemed to be a depressive state,but no… That’s not possible… is it? No. The devil, the great ruler of hell doesn’t sulk. At least that’s what she was lead to believe before today.

Mazikeen merely looked her way in acknowledgment. It was a weird sight. She’d been with Lucifer through their best and worse. She’s seen plenty of them in all types of situations, but never like this. She’d hate to admit her lord looked… pitiful? Oh they’d have her head if she ever uttered those words aloud.

Mazikeen ushered the girl away. Lucifer’s pride couldn’t possibly take another hit. Lucifer’s sigh of relief as she left was visible in their shoulders, they turned their back to mazikeen.

“I should’ve known.” Lucifer says under their breath, mostly to themselves. But it was loud enough for her to hear. “An unexpected turn of events, sire. If I may?” With a nod, she approached. If there was anyone with a level head they would listen to, it’s her.

“I don’t know much about all of this. But.. seemed quite hesitant to leave you, you know.” That sounded like a bunch of nonsense to Lucifer if they were honest.

You were truthful hesitant. This dumb mistake of screwing around with things you definitely shouldn’t seemed like a bad idea to even you. But the devil was so captivating.. and you made a promise. Could you break it? Even if it is with the devil how could you?

Oh how they wanted to rage and scream and throw a tantrum. But no no, you’re better than that Lucifer. Much better. “He’s a rat, that man. Stealing away my rightful spouse.” If only it were possible for literal venom to spit through their mouth, it would.

That rat, your friend, of course wouldn’t allow you to go around continuing to indulge yourself in the paranormal. Any well- normal person would also save themselves and their friends from it too. But is breaking a deal with the devil as easy as simply running away?

“Isn’t it more complicated than that, sire?” What a brave thing for her to say. “Complicated? What could possibly be so complicated? It’s simple. They’re my spouse, mine… or at least supposed to be.” Lucifer’s voice goes from angry to solem.

They’d catch up to you eventually. If they ever get over their slump over your involuntary rejection. You can’t run away from the devil anyways. They could find you. They could take you away forever. But does Lucifer truly want to forcefully take you away? They don’t want you here if it’s not by choice. So they’re left to ponder.

“But I should’ve known. Why would they ever want me? Of course I’m great. I’m powerful, I’m wise, I’m beautiful! But I am the devil… isn’t that all they’ll ever see?”

They really are lovesick, aren’t they? Mazikeen couldn’t be more amused. But it’s never a joy to see her lord so pained, of course. “I could list a lot more reasons than you just did for somebody to want to stick by you… it’s foolish if that’s the only reason they aren’t here.” Mazikeen said, sounding confident. But that didn’t really help the devil.

“They probably want a mortal. Somebody who lives in their realm and will die alongside them.” How could the most prideful being in this universe be so pessimistic? “Overrated! They rather that, opposed to you granting them immortality?”

“The mortals see me as evil. Perhaps that’s why.” Excuses excuses excuses. “Sounds idiotic to me. I can’t believe you’re so worked up about some human who obviously isn’t good enough for you.”

Lucifer sighed. “They were perfect.” This whole situation was just making Mazikeen irritated at this point. “Please. It’s a mortal, how perfect can they be? Especially if they turned away from you like that.”

That was quite conflicting. How could they be perfect for each other if their meeting was a coincidence? A mistake made by a foolish human dealing with the otherworldly. But something about you captivated their own soul. Did you not feel the same? Were you mindlessly moving on with your life now, already forgotten about them?

But no, the image of the Beautiful devil haunts you in your sleep. An endless reminder of a walked out deal, a promise. One which will surely come back to bite you some day.

Or not. If you were foolish enough to come back to them.

[time-keepers-blade]

Here's a little drabble I couldn't get outta my head ft. my EverymanHYBRID OC.

Dustin plucked at the loose threads poking from the seams of his hoodie, head cocked to the side as he stared inquisitively at Vincent. The two men were awkwardly posted in Evan’s kitchen, conversing in the late hours, long after their fellow friends decided to turn in for the night, returning to their respective homes.  

“What do you mean, you think something’s wrong with Evan?” 

“I mean, he just—I dunno--isn’t acting like himself? He’s less hyper, less goofy, less...Evan.” Vincent fidgeted with his hands, opting to pick at the meat surrounding his finger nails. 

Vincent had pulled Dustin aside during an earlier conversation, when more of their friends were present and engaging in small, idle chats. He wanted to question if Dustin had noticed anything odd about Evan’s behavior lately.  

Dustin rolled his neck to the side, trying to push out any tension. “I mean, he’s less talkative, yeah, but I don’t think it’s because of what you’re suggesting.” 

Vincent’s hands flew upwards to cage his own chest, he rested his hands under his armpits, trying to keep them warm and simultaneously hug himself, shrugging his shoulders up to his ears. “I mean, look...Evan’s older sister has admitted to us that he’s struggled with depression in the past. Well—that, and homicidal thoughts. But, um,” Vincent dropped his head, staring down at his shoes. “Do you remember when we were filming the car pushing video—or, trying to—and that little girl came running up and handed Evan the little fabric doll?” 

Dustin straightened his neck, his gaze zeroing in on Vincent’s disturbed look. He squinted, slightly turning his head to the side. “Yeah, I do. Little blonde girl in a pink shirt and purple skirt? What about that?” 

Vincent finally raised his head, locking eyes with a spot on the ceiling as he breathed in a deep breath. “When you, Jeff, and Seth were chatting--over by the car, waiting on me and Evan to come over--Right after the little girl gave Evan the doll, she said some man told her to give the doll to Evan.” 

Dustin nodded, “Yeah, you already told me this. Hell, Evan mentioned it on camera.” 

Vincent nodded in return, “Yeah, well, that wasn’t all the little girl said. She also said that the ‘man’ told her to tell Evan to stay positive and that he’ll find something special soon. I thought it was weird that Evan never mentioned that, especially to you, given that you're...” He trailed off, seemingly struggling to find the right words to finish his sentence. Dustin finished it for him. 

“Spiritually inclined?” 

Vincent snapped his fingers and pointed at Dustin in confirmation. “That, yeah. I thought for sure the little girl was saying something that had, like, spiritual implications, or something.”  

Dustin ran his hand along the side of his neck, leaning back against the edge of the kitchen bar, crossing his legs at the ankle before speaking. “I mean, I think it’s obvious that the little girl isn’t the one who made the doll.” Vincent nodded in agreement, urging Dustin to continue. “Maybe the little girl got the doll from a male family member who happens to be a fan of the show?”  

Vincent shook his head slowly. “No, I...not to be, like, pessimistic or whatever, but we’re only getting, like, a few thousand views per video. Not that that’s a low number or anything, I’m grateful that our video’s are being watched at all—but my gut is telling me that it isn’t some fan giving us a gift. I really think the little girl was told to give Evan that message from something more...spirit-like?” 

Dustin pursed his lips in thought, cocking his head to the side. “You don’t  think that’s a bit of a jump to make? In thought, I mean,” Vincent shrugged. Dustin continued, “It probably could be the case, that the little girl got that doll from something other than human. I didn’t really get a good look at her, or the lady she came walking up with. Besides, Evan can’t seem to put that thing down long enough for me to take it and assess if it’s got something in it.” 

Vincent blinked at him, a bit curious, “What, like a camera? Or...?” Dustin shrugged, running his hand along the countertop beside him. “Yeah, something like that. Or it could be witchcraft of some type. I won’t know unless I can get my hands on it.”  

Vincent hummed to himself, glancing around the room as he thought for a moment. He finally landed back on Dustin, offering a risky option. “We could steal it from him? Like—he probably doesn’t sleep with it in his hands, everyone knows the fucker sleeps like a log. Hypothetically speaking, someone could easily just...sneak into his room and grab the doll?”  

Dustin quirked a small side smile, “Are you suggesting that someone would be me?” Vincent sheepishly smiled back, “I mean, you’re pretty much silent when you walk, so...” 

Dustin scoffed out a small chuckle, looking down at his feet, smiling to himself. “I’ll see what I can do. No promises that I won’t find a way to fuck with him a little, though.” 

Vincent just chuckled in return. 

[mar64ds]

‘New Mouse in ToonTown’ pilot summary

Synopsis: Mickey moves to ToonTown, a town full of memorable cartoon characters where anything is possible. However, Mickey will soon find out the town is currently ruled by Cogs, who have managed to crash almost every toon’s hopes and dreams, and now have to live in a more ‘serious’ and pessimistic world

Summary:

“We are introduced to Mickey, who needs no introduction. This version of him, he hasn’t met any of his friends yet, so he is a bit of a newbie. He is overly positive and pretty corny, like how he is in the Paul Rudish shorts, but probably a bit less, because I’m not funny enough to capture that Mickey.

Mickey talks to the taxi driver, the turtle from the Oswald canceled show, and talks about how he is moving to Toontown, a wonderful town full of toons, including celebrities like Bugs Bunny. We give a bit of a hint towards his past, implying that he might not have been happy before but this town will finally be his chance to make friends.

Mickey arrives in town and he interacts with a couple of well-known characters, like Roger Rabbit, Kermit the frog, [include any well known cartoon or puppet character]

After that montage of cameos, Mickey decides to sing a song, but is immediately stopped by a toon, Oswald. Oswald asks him what the hell he thinks he’s doing, Mickey is confused and tries to sing again but Oswald tries to stop him and tell him he can’t do that here. Other toons tell Oswald that as long as it isn’t a big song or anything that it can’t be too bad and that Oswald is a grouch anyway. This makes Oswald mad so he just shut ups and leaves. Mickey starts to sing and oh no it IS a big song. In one part of his musical number, he sings that his name is Mickey Mouse and that caught Oswald’s attention for some reason, but then Mickey is immediately interrupted by three cogs, they hand him a musical number fee, Mickey is confused, the three cogs look at each other in silence and they tell him to come with them to ask him a few questions, but Mickey obviously runs away. The cogs follow him and Oswald does so too at a distance.

Chase sequence, a lot of visual jokes are meant to be placed on this scene, too bad we can’t see them on a written script. In this sequence we are introduced to Mickey’s well known friends, but without really introducing them properly yet, just a way to let the audience know what’s coming. When Mickey runs away he sees that a girl has lost her scarf and tries to get it for her, because Mickey is just way too nice like that. He bumps into Daisy and apologizes so much that Daisy finds it amusing and sweet, when he runs away and the cogs ask her if she has seen a mouse running away she directs them to the wrong direction. He sees a hungry dog (Pluto) and quickly buys him a hot dog, which later makes Pluto bites the cogs. Goofy is lost and looking for directions and Mickey stops and gives him the right direction, which later makes Goofy give the cogs a purposely wrong direction as to where Mickey went. Mickey quickly gets in a bus and bumps into Donald who looks really depressed, so Mickey gives him a short but very nice and sweet conversation before he gets out of the bus. Mickey finally gets the girl’s scarf and surprise surprise it was Minnie’s, who was chasing for it too. He gives it to her and they have a cute moment, Minnie leaves and Mickey is so distracted that he immediately gets caught by the cogs lol

Mickey is finally captured and sent to a court where he is judged by multiple cogs. They ask him questions and Mickey doesn’t really know how to reply, the Cogs threaten with ‘taking his heart’ and Mickey is horrified and confused. Then Oswald shows up and shouts that he is just new in town. The Cogs are like ‘oooooh okay, yeah that was the second option’. The Cogs then explain how this town works now, they explain it through with a villain musical number too, but it's a bit off-key and ends very abruptly because most cogs don’t really like musicals lol which contrasts Mickey’s musical number at the beginning of the episode. It is explained that too much fun is prohibited, too much hope is prohibited, too many jokes are prohibited, toons need jobs and need to be mature and be more serious. That’s how things work and if he tries to do anything against that, there WILL be consequences.

This is a world where the cogs won against the toons not too long ago, they have taken over the town and toons have to follow rules or else they’d be punished. As mentioned before, cogs have found out that the hearts of toons is the source of their joy, hope and comedy, and taking it out would leave a toon empty and depressed, and not long after that there is a chance they could permanently die.

Now the question is, where does Mickey live, because the cogs were not informed of any new citizen. Mickey says that in toontown you can just move in and a house made for you will show up magically, but of course the cogs say that’s not how it works anymore, you need to pay for a house. Mickey CAN’T pay for that house. So he’s asked that whether he finds a solution or it’s better he leaves and go back to his old home.

Mickey and Oswald get out of the building, Mickey looks around the town, the town he thought was going to be joyful and hopeful, and he starts to notice the misery all around it. He’s sad and sits down on a bus station. Oswald asks him what he’s going to do, Mickey says that he’s not sure. Oswald gives him a bunch of money to at least stay in a hotel, and advices that maybe he should just go back when he can. But Mickey tells him he really wants to be here, he wants to meet new people and he wants new people to meet him, he wants to call this place home. And whether the cogs are here or not, he wants to help, he wants to make people less miserable. Oswald is a bit surprised after hearing this, he asks Mickey that that’s nice but WHERE is he going to live. That stops Mickey for a second and he says he doesn’t know. Oswald takes a moment to think.

O: *sigh* I’m going to regret this so much.

O: If you want, you can stay at my place for a while.

M: …

M: Are you… joking?

O: I wish I was.

M: So you’re being serious?! You-

O: Do you want to or not?

M: YES! YES! OH MY GOD THIS IS-

M: This is EXACTLY what I meant! Hope is not lost yet! There is KINDNESS! Even in someone grouchy like you!

O: Hey!

M: Ah! Sorry! I don’t know why I said that! It’s not true at all!

O: Pff it’s fine, I guess I deserve it.

M: Oooh this is going to be great!

O: Okay let’s make one thing clear, we are NOT going to be friends, I’m just doing a favor for a while. You can find a job and you’ll get your own place someday, okay?

M: Sure, sure, of course! Totally not friends! Never ever!

O: Why do I feel like you’re not listening to me?

M: Aaah I just can’t believe it!! This is the best day ever!

O: You almost lost your heart.

M: And yet here I am! With a new friend!

O: Ugh…

The episode ends with Mickey and Oswald walking down the street, while everything seems sad and hopeless, there is a bit of spark coming from Oswald and Mickey’s banter. Maybe there is hope after all.”

[undeadmoth]

Spoilers below the cut. I think fear and hunger rewired my brain. Still just as depressed and hateful and logic still points to the shitty way out, but despite that i dont think i wanna die now? Games a petty perfect analog for depression. Getting the life drained perpetually by the dark around you leaving you physically and mentally weakened for the already agonizing task ahead of you. Knowing that your going to eat shit and get taken advantage of and be plagued by shit luck the whole time and getting proven right so fucking often with only a small flicker of hope now and then just to remind you its there, feeling like it’s taunting you. Never enough to get you out of hell just enough to get back on your feet and push yourself a little further in.

Dragging the girl through the dungeon the whole time I expected some awful death, game like this likes to make fun of you for having your hopes up, and its a bitch doing it since she sucks and eats shit easy. Hell just dragging myself through the god of the depths over and over again getting past the big mouth fuckers just hammering the load button again and again only to finally slip through sans an arm and leg and see the girl distort into a god that throws away that kindness i showed and tries to strike me down sets it in just as good as the whole rest of the game. And when I finally managed to grind enough to make it to the end of the fight, an end of defeat, rendered into a crawling worm before the god of Fear and hunger. When it asked Why do you go on doing this? I didn’t have an answer for the character or myself. But the more i think of it, i dont think anyone who went through such could answer, but they did it anyway. I dont know if there is an answer here, but i want to look for one. I know its going to suck and be shit and my pessimistic ass is going to be proven right again and again and again because im smarter then i give myself credit for, but i want to do this now. Even if i hate it. Its weird, not getting an answer in the right way proved better then any justification for living ive ever been told.

[k-tarotz]

Hi guys! It’s been so long! How are you doing? Hopefully good

I would like to join your new game!

My ults of all time is exo

have a great day ahead/night🫶🏻

-dk

1/30

disc.: please note that I am only answering people who have sent their requests in time to have a slot.

CHOOOOOGIWAAAAAAA.. Sorry. Elite taste tho.

two of cups reversed, five of coins, nine of wands, nine of coins, death, two of wands

the actor who is most similar to your future spouse is… Lee Dongwook!~

note: this is not related to looks at all, I have put a picture of him incase you are bad with names. he played in Goblin, Strangers from Hell, My Girl & Touch Your Heart.

So, surprisingly a lot of cards fell out for you but rather than it meaning that your spouse is talk active it means that there is a lot of depth to them, and let me explain how!

They might not look for romance right now, but still want to have a very stable future with a family of their own; to be married in a harmonious and healthy relationship. Yet, they still ignore most matters of romance, and rather focus on work. While it is a paradox, it stems from responsibility! They don’t want to promise a future they cannot provide.

As well as; change might scare them. They might actively avoid it, saying they are happy the way things are now. Not even seeing that the future is far more promising than they might think so. Self sabotage kings/queen, you know?

If you have ever seen ‘Meet the Robinsons’ then you must know about Goob! He was very pessimistic, depressed even, saying that he is hated even though people truly wanted to hang out with him.. he just didn’t make the effort. This for sure is something that fits here as well. For both of them, even. Although, there definitely seem to be self aware of this and trying to heal, but it’s a bit hard due to not really liking the idea of asking for help.

Aside from that, they are just very focused on finances at the moment!

That’s all I could pick up on, thank you for participating! 🫶🏻

- Candy

[montanababe7]

A letter to my birth mother:

This is what you did to me-

You wrecked my life. You controlled every aspect of every opportunity I wanted to have. I wasn’t allowed to grow up. You denied me access from knowing what it felt like to be beautiful, confident, and pretty. Even when I begged to go hang out with friends. You always told me you had to consult with sandy. But. How dare I even try to talk to my dad and even worse yet that I shouldn’t dare turn dad against you. It was like you hated me. You truly hated me. I don’t think I still even understand why you had pegged my life as being the most miserable life a woman could ever have. You stole my entire childhood away from me. The saddest part of all is, I honestly don’t even remember having a childhood to begin with. It’s like that long time period in my life didn’t even exist and it’s all your fault mom. No one else’s just yours. This is entirely your fault. You alone are to blame.

This is how I get about it at the time-

I didn’t understand why you’d deny me to even having a life. I felt so isolated and so broken. Even when I had tried to end my life. I didn’t even feel safe telling you about because I knew you’d have another reason to yell at me like you always did. It was always one thing after the other. Even the gifts you would give to me had strings attached to them. Nothing in my life felt like it was my own. I wanted to be an adult even in adulthood and the saddest part of it all. You wouldn’t even grant me that level of happiness. I saw my other siblings having a life. While I was rotting away at the hutch house always doing your housework for you. Fuck you mom. What did I ever do to deserve how you treated me. All I ever wanted was for you to love me. And the saddest part to my heart now. Is that I mentored and loved my spiritual children how I always dreamed you would have treated me. But. You didn’t. You didn’t love your own daughter enough to make me feel special or safe. How dare you. You called me your flower. I don’t think you even have the ability or capacity to treat even a real flower with kindness. Who am I even kidding. You’d love a flower in your own garden than you’d treat your own daughter. You verbally and emotionally trampled on me. You ruined my life. You destroyed my dreams. How the hell could you make a confident girl so afraid of succeeding; that she had even failed to driving fucking written test in Minnesota for 15-16 years. Do you even know how embarrassed and humiliated I when I’d fail each time. Do

You know what it felt like to be in my shoes.

I wanted to succeed; but back then I gave up because I didn’t see a point. You still

Had access to my checking and savings accounts while I was living in that house. That’s not normal or even ok. You called me

Your very best friend and that you couldn’t imagine life without me. You controlled my wedding day. You cried at the airport. You called and texted everyday. You sent me into severe post partum depression and I had wanted to end my life more than multiple times in that first year after Bella was born. You almost caused me to go into labor early at just 23-24

Weeks. And you wonder why Bella hates you and wants nothing to even do with you. Ahh!!!

This is how it affected my life-

I felt like I was a bad daughter and that you’d come to ground me even when you were over 1,000 miles away when I had first got married. I wanted to clean all the time and I felt guilty as a newly married bride if the apartment and multiple homes Michael and I, were living at wasn’t 100 clean. Your control turned me into an angry and pessimistic bitch who loved seeing those like yourself cry. I don’t even recognize me at times. Mike doesn’t even hardly know me anymore. Throughout the years I’ve been yelling at my in-laws and taking my anger out at them. They have some flaws of their own. But, it’s nothing compared to huge nightmares of the reality of you. I’ve been hurting my marriage by fighting with mike’s parents. I’ve embarrassed my husband. I’ve been negative and harsh with my own children. And it breaks my heart that I’ve shown my own spiritual children more

Grace and kindness at times

Than I have my own babies. I am so ashamed of myself. I don’t know to fix me expect

Through Jesus. You broke me mom. I should hate you. But, now I just pity you. I think somewhere along the way. All I wanted was to just hear you say that you love me. Without any strings attached. Without my hair being perfect and my eyebrows up to your liking. I just wanted you to love me for me. I always wanted your approval. I spent over five thousand dollars worth of credit. Card debt years ago on you and Kelli just got

You to love me. That I paid off. You never showed me genuine love. It always about what

You could get from me. I don’t think you ever truly ever loved me. You used me. And one day. I just stopped caring. I shut my heart off emotionally. I shut down. Why mom. Why.

Did you ever love

Your daughter at all. Or did you just love what I could do for you and make your look good in that town.

This is what I want from

You now-

I want you to stay the hell away from me. I want you to get help for your sake. I just want you to really look at yourself and see the 👹 that you truly are. Ask Jesus to change you. God knows that only Jesus can change you. You push everyone away and you wonder why all your bridges have been burned.

I forgive you and I am burying what i once dreamed I’d have-

A healthy mother daughter relationship with you. But that’s not reality. I’m done. No more. I’m done grieving. Just get help.

Jessica.

[xxstarryxeyedxx]

{The Horizon}

(manhwa) 21 chapters 2016

Author and Artist :  Jeong ji-hoon

I stumbled across this manhwa a week ago.The hell that is TikTok kept recommending me slideshows of some of the chapters and right from the beginning I knew it was something extremely sad and intense.I tend to stray away from these sort of media,especially nihilistic and pessimistic ones that are depressing just for the romantization of it or for the sake of just..being depressing.But TikTok really wanted me to read this manhwa as it recommended it to me over five times back to back.So I gave in.And I am so greatful that I did

Right off the bat I have to warn you this work deals with extremely heavy ,mature themes.War,loss,death and survival are prominent things in this manhwa and it does not hold back.As well as a big trigger warning for attempted SA ((even though in my opinion the themes surrounding it and the way it was handled is very calculated and careful))

In an Un-named post apocalyptic world,where war and disease have overtaken most of humanity ,a boy and a girl find themselves all alone,having lost their families and homes,with no choice but to keep moving forward in a long unknown road.They encounter many different people as they go,shaping their story and their experience of the horrors of war,through the eyes of two kids who have no one but each other.What absolutely blew me away is the story of these two and countless others presented in just 21 chapters.The commentary on war,child soldiers,the philosophising of the meaning life and death take in such a setting and most importantly,hope, perseverance and love.A diverse cast of characters,even though the story is much more focused on the illustrative part rather than the dialogue.I do not want to spoil much(as always) as I did end up crying continously while reading it after it had reached the middle.

For a story based on it's illustrations I wouldn't say that the character designs or the way the artist draws their figures is the strong point of it's art.Rather,it is the amazing backrounds,the panelling,the use of big and vast spaces and the coloring of them and most incredibly,how the art style switches in these crazed pen strokes,mad scribbles and lines to convey intensity,hopelessness or sadness that really manages to strike a cord in your heart.The message is absolutely direct and scarily raw emotion is brought by those images.

It is a very short read,it took me about two hours.One that I recommend wholeheartedly,while always being aware of it's themes.

personal rating 9.5/10

[pinkymoone]

🌙Goodnight 🌙 Punpun 💤 The Truth of Reality ❤️

Warning! Major Spoilers! Read with Caution!

“I always believed that everyone in this world was far nicer and smarter than me. That no matter how unlikeable they seemed to be, they still had a good conscience...that’s why I hated myself for being timid and depressed when I didn’t even have any good reason for doing so. But now I see that there actually are people who’re despicable in every way...Now that I think about it—-why don’t most people try to kill other people?.. Maybe my expectations were too high. I’m only disappointed because I expected something from them. But the answer was quite simple all along. There’s no such thing as a decent human being in this world. Not a single one”

Yes. We are going to talk about the big elephant of the manga room. Goodnight Punpun aka Oyasumi Punpun aka Hell-Manga. The gradual descent in indulging in humanity’s desires whether good or bad just ends up being a horrific result. Goodnight Punpun just puts all the sucky aspects of acquiring the said desires of perhaps love, riches, dreams, etc. into the life of our protagonist, Punpun.

One of the biggest themes of this manga is the fact that nothing, absolutely nothing in humanity matters. His father’s letters that were pointlessly coming and saying the same thing over and over again after Punpun’s parents divorced was actually written every single day by his trash of a mother. When this fact was revealed to me TBH I was actually so sad and touched by how his mother actually loved him. Yet on Punpun’s side it was all bullcrap. He just couldn’t bring himself to love anyone after growing up in such a dysfunctional environment. Even his ‘love’ for Aiko that apparently began when he was an elementary student was just an illusion, as he kept this wild image of Aiko after his detrimental guilt in breaking their promise (promise was -> to runaway from everything... some pretty deep elementary kids) got the best of him. That promise he broke started his hell of a life, Punpun created a mental prison for himself that prevented him from loving and seeing the best of other people. He selfishly lived for himself only to “prevent other’s (like Aiko) from getting hurt” when it was actually the other way around. He was looking at others only from his perspective (which wasn’t good), effecting his mindset and the people surrounding him negatively. Punpun was very guilty of acting this way... but he wasn’t doing anything to change it. It also seemed like he was living to reach only Aiko, who in his mind symbolized his ‘dream’, which most likely rooted from his other promise that he shared (promise was: to find a new planet and colonize over there with her... such an innocent dream). In fact, Punpun’s young innocent mind tried to stop this pessimistic view on reality with that ‘Afro-God’, however we all know that he legit stabbed god by the end of this story also implying how religion and faith is all just dumb ideology that we sucky humans thought of to answer the question of ‘Why tough events occur in one’s life” (Note* everything I’m stating rn is based what I got from this fictional manga...)

Yet everything that Young Punpun saw sadly seemed to be revealed as the truth also adding on to his loss of innocence and the sudden realization that he wasn’t in the wrong for pointlessly being depressed, every aspect of this world truly sucked. His good-for-nothing uncle was actually a dirty scumbag, his father was/is still a poor ‘nothing’, he only sees girls as a tool to satisfy his sexual impulses and yet that seems to be true once again as Aiko, the girl he sought out so much, who he hated for trapping him in ‘hope’ yet held grand expectations for because of his attempt in escaping this reality just turned out to be a regular, broken, boring, abused-girl that also wanted to escape from everything. They were both broken, so how could they have stayed in a stable relationship? Both were lonely and sick of reality and only satisfied such stress by each other’s presence only in body. But that could only go for so long...If everything just amounts to this what is there to live for? Punpun tries to commit suicide near the last chapter, but he still couldn’t get want he wanted in the end as he was saved. Shows again, no matter what we do, we can’t truly get want we want in the end (Ex. like how an artist dreamed of becoming an animator, succeeded in such dream after painful obstacles, and now he/she lives in a dirty, cramped apartment living off of one meal a day just to draw something you don’t even want to over and over again). But, we live on...although it’s good to not have high expectations with many things because it would most likely not be as amazing as you’d thought it to be. Reality is just like that.

In a manga that just seems like it follows a single person’s journey in suffering the consequences of maturing, I love how Inio Asano also added incredibly side characters. Especially Punpun’s “childhood friend’s” that also go through many struggles, representing how different people are growing up in this rotten world like Punpun is. My most favorite character of this series happens to be the most unrelated, probably showed up for only 10 pages out of the whole series, the most insignificant character out everything in this story: Shintarou HARUMI!!! (Above) .

Isn’t it shocking? The most normal character in this story was my favorite because after all the suffering that Punpun went through, after my mind became sad from peeking into the true reality of our world, our Harumi showed up. It was like he symbolized that small hope we all never expected to see in this story. That hope that we all can live the exact opposite of Punpun, that even though we go through hardships and live alongside the many horrors of humanity, we can still live... normally. That fact must’ve also hit Punpun like a brick after conversing to Harumi about their innocent childhood journeys/dreams of the past because Punpun had absolutely forgot about the smallest, most useless joys he used to share with his friends. Punpun waved towards his now adult childhood friend that he doesn’t know a single thing about (hell, even Harumi didn’t remember what Punpun’s name was) in tears. So everyone, just try your best at everything, don’t give up or be all pessimistic. I know it’s cheesy, I sound like a typical annoying person, but it’s really necessary to keep a good mindset to live in this world. You can be depressed and sad... but don’t be like oh everyone else is like me, what’s the point in living I’m gonna murder <plz don’t do that> Be thankful that you got to live to see another day, appreciate the little things such as the blue sky, running squirrels... or else you’re going to turn into Punpun.

No one. No one wants to turn into Punpun (´⊙ω⊙`)

[popwasabi]

“End of Evangelion” and the tempting nature of oblivion

(TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Pain, Depression, Mental Health, Death)

“End of Evangelion” is a perplexing movie to say the least.

Not that the original classic anime “Neon Genesis Evangelion” series ends on exactly the most conclusive note itself, but “End” takes everything that transpired in the series and literally destroys it.

The films ends with Earth experiencing the long foreshadowed Third Impact and all of the planet returning to the primordial “soup,” as fans call it, with its main protagonist Shinji Ikari and comrade Asuka Langley Soryu as the only remaining humans left. A pseudo, twisted rebeginning of Adam and Eve’s Genesis.

The film is fairly divisive among the fans to say the least. Some fans consider it a masterpiece for its nihilistic tone and mind-bending illustrations of body horror and others despised it for being too dark and confusing with no clear explanation of anything that happened in the film’s events. Hell, even the movie’s fans have a difficult time explaining what exactly happens in the narrative.

I was somewhat in the middle with it after I watched it the first time not super long ago. It was certainly abstract, and I like plenty of stories that don’t make it easy for me to understand. The animation is definitely the franchise’s best and I enjoyed the character moments between Shinji, Asuka, and Misato. But it was also, as stated before, dreadfully confusing and still to this day hard to makes heads or tails out of with its plot.

But, as with more than a few movies I have revisited this year, 2020 helped me contextualize one aspect I think the story is concretely trying to get across.

(We’ll save discussion of “Rebuild” for another day...)

At my lowest points not long ago, I had this frequent vision that would crawl across my mind.

I imagined being up in the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, but I wasn’t floating or flying. I was plummeting, falling like a bird without wings at a speed that would definitely kill me once I got to the ground. But I never imagined actually hitting the Earth like a meat-bagged, human sized asteroid. I only ever imagined the falling part. The wind reaching a terminal velocity and the air rushing past my body and you know what look I had on my face?

Happiness.

I was confused a bit by why I kept imagining this moribund fall into oblivion over and over again. I wasn’t suicidal, though I certainly have had thoughts of self-harm plenty of times before and general detachment from life. But why the fuck was I so happy? I’m about to die after all!

What I have come to realize in recent years, as I’ve developed a better understanding of my mental health and what makes me tick, it wasn’t that I wanted to die so much as I wanted the freedom that comes moments before it. The feeling of finally letting go and letting fate/gravity do the rest.

Years of my life failing at various aspects of societal expectations and career obligations from not being able to get the girls I wanted to date so badly, relationships ending poorly, not quite applying myself the way I should’ve in college, and working a plethora of unfulfilling jobs since graduation made me yearn for that release. Just that feeling of saying “fuck it all” and giving in to the void.

I wanted to stop feeling out of control. The way the world is structured often feels like you are on a wild, rapid river flowing in one very stark direction but you desperately want to go the other way. You keep fighting and fighting it and realize after a while you are just swimming in place, you tire out and either float where the river wants you to go or you drown. I wanted neither of those things, I just wanted control and unfortunately part of life is accepting that a very large percentage of it is beyond your power to alter.

2020 made this feeling starkly apparent once again as we were hit with a once in a lifetime global pandemic that has killed 2.21 million people and counting. As common people struggle to find ways to handle the loss of loved ones and the fallout from economic instability those tasked with protecting us have more or less ignored the cries of needy. Hell, they’re fucking miffed that we would even have the audacity to ask for $2000 of our own fucking tax dollars to put a band-aid on the situation. Combine this with an extremely volatile two-party system and late stage capitalism, we are about as out of control as ever in terms of how much we actually can course correct our destinies in a period like this.

It is why so many irony-pilled millennials and gen z-ers are posting dank memes about meteors colliding with the earth over the course of the year. We’ve lived through two recessions, two forever wars, and now a pandemic in our lifetimes while paying off our crippling debt with slave wages and yet boomers still wonder why we are near universally depressed as a generation.

(Seriously, everybody needs a fucking therapist right now...and also to dismantle the fucking system that’s making us depressed!)

This is what I feel is the real heart of “End of Evangelion.” The movie is a lot of things, obviously, but, after the events of this year and looking back on the more depressing parts of my life, I feel this film is about the tempting nature of oblivion. Giving up when things are clearly beyond your control so you can get that sweet but twisted, fleeting sense of freedom from it all.

Director Hideaki Anno didn’t feel too entirely different about the state of life when he made this series and certainly by the time he made “End” he was in a very dark place.

So, quick history lesson, “Neon Genesis Evangelion” debuted in 1994 and quickly became a classic among fans of anime and the giant mech vs monster genre. Critics loved it for its exploration of mental health and depression and of course plenty enjoyed the hell out of it for its giant monster/robot escapism as well. Fast forward to the conclusion of the series, critics and fans especially are far more polarized. I won’t try to explain exactly what happens in the ending and frankly I don’t think anyone can, but that confusion led to quite a bit of outcry by the fans.

Hideaki Anno, the series’ director, received tons of hate mail and death threats following the series conclusion. The fans hated how abstract it was, how it had an undecisive ending and chose to dive into the mind of Shinji instead of conclusively describing the events of the Third Impact with plenty going as far as to say he had “ruined” his own series for them. This made him unfortunately quite depressed himself over the ending he felt creatively fairly content with.

(I think it should be clear who Shinji is mostly likely a stand-in for in this anime...)

The fan reaction was toxic to say the least and all too familiar for many creatives who didn’t adequately satisfy the insatiable vapid needs of their fandom. Anno did not take this well to put it lightly. A man who was known as a delinquent in high school and expelled from the Osaka University of Arts much earlier in his life, and dealt plenty with his own bouts of depression, Anno had plenty of his own demons to sort out and quite clearly wanted to explore that mental state in “Neon Genesis Evangelion.”

I’ll be honest and say that I myself was not fond of the ending either when I watched it the first time as a freshman in college, and even went as far as to describe it as everything that was wrong with anime to friends in the years that followed for a while. I felt it was confusing and “fake deep,” existential for no reason other than because it just wanted to and people were “dumb” if they liked it.

When I rewatched it again as a much older adult when it came on Netflix last year, I found it much more fascinating and interesting. A sort of abstract introspective into the mind of a troubled teenager, who I had written off many years prior as a “whiny baby.” Though I wouldn’t say I completely understand it still, I get it much more now and I think it has a lot to say about depression and mental health.

Unfortunately, most fans did not have that reaction back then and as a result Anno made his true conclusion “End of Evangelion” as a response to that negativity.

(You’re welcome, nerds.)

As mentioned before, “End of Evangelion” is an extremely nihilistic film that seems to one up each dark moment as you traverse its spiraling narrative. It’s a film where things never get better. If you go into it blind expecting that big last minute heroic save the day moment, it’s always teased and never comes. Things just end very badly for everyone. Nobody gets a “happy ending.”

While the ending to the original series is strange for sure, it does end on a light note that can be interpreted in a number of different ways but ultimately positive. With the way fans reacted to it Anno decided to write a big “fuck you” to them by, in many ways, smashing his toys so no one could play with them again. He even went as far as to splice in the actual hate mail he received into the movie to quite clearly show to the audience, as their favorite characters met their grissly ends, that this was their fault.

(“Gee, I wonder what that was all about.” ~ a fan walking out of the theater back in 1997.)

In a way though, Anno created something strangely beautiful from that reaction. “End of Evangelion” is about giving up in some ways and accepting our inevitable doom. There are no easy answers, no workable solutions to achieve a happy ending because sometimes in life there isn’t one. Despite last ditch efforts by Misato, Shinji, and the crew of NERV the world still ends through the Third Impact. But tonally it’s not quite pessimistic; it’s actually positive, in a very twisted sense of course.

Set to the song “Komm Susser Tod” by ARIANNE, the film’s apocalypse can almost be described as a celebration. With people “popping” and turning into the primordial soup they all largely have smiles on their faces as they kind of get what they want whether it’s a desire to reunite with loved ones, to be with people they have crushes on, or happiness that they have sought for so long in the embrace of others. Everyone’s depressed! But now they are happy because it’s finally all over, they don’t have to give a shit anymore.

As the planet lights up like a Christmas tree, there are images of suicide and death that rapidly cross the screen in the form of the Angel’s final transformation but again, nobody is truly sad about it. They all have some kind of twisted smile or joy that they get from it. It’s a shocking film, if you’re not already prepared for what’s going to happen, and provocative to say the least.

(Can’t decide if I recommend watching this high or not...)

I had no idea what any of it meant at the time when I watched it several years ago (I watched it well after I had seen the original series), and to be fair there are many ways fans have interpreted what exactly took place in the film and have debated endlessly on its meaning for decades now. But at least in my interpretation, after everything we’ve been through this year, “End of Evangelion” to me is about the sweet release of not giving a fuck anymore.

Whether it’s about Anno feeling that way about his own life or the expectations of his fans or both, the film quite clearly doesn’t care about what people may or may not have wanted for Shinji and the NGE characters and is perfectly fine with the way it all comes “tumbling down.”

(He just wants to be with his boyfriend, guys.)

This past July 4th, city fireworks shows were prohibited in my area because they wanted to limit mass gatherings due to COVID but this didn’t stop people from buying plenty of their own to fire off. In what amounted to a collective “fuck you” to everything and 2020, beginning pretty much exactly at dusk people started firing off their at home lightshows like they were mortar gunners in World War I and did not let up until well past midnight. The entire Southern California night sky was lit up not to unlike the thousands of crosses that filled the screen during the Third Impact of “End of Evangelion” and though it could certainly be interpreted as a moment of people patriotically going “Yea, America!” that night, my head canon was much different. It felt like tens of thousands of people across the region just saying “Fuck it” into the night sky at everything; COVID, our horrendous government, police violence, pending World Wars, environmental disaster, and our collective impending doom from it all.

As these fireworks hit their zenith around 9pm I broke out my phone and started playing “Komm Susser Tod” from the movie and it felt perfect. Everyone just wanted to feel that freedom in the moment, that freedom of not giving a damn anymore. To be removed from expectations, from control, from hatred, from pain and it was kind of beautiful in a sick way.

And that’s what “End of Evangelion” feels like to me now; kind of beautiful in a sick way.

(Not saying the LA skyline looked like this exactly but it felt like it haha...)

There are still many ways to interpret Hideaki Anno’s cult classic, and it’s part of its charm but I think the take away fans should have is definitely not that suicide is ok but that we get it. We understand why people have those feelings and why it feels freeing to desire the void and oblivion. It’s a pity that the series most toxic fans didn’t get that clue through the original finale but Anno, not a person who likes  being shoved around, clearly created perhaps the most twistedly beautiful “fuck you” to that in anime history.

As we enter 2021 all I can say is it’s ok to feel like this, it’s ok to desire freedom from the relentless gloom and doom of the world and people’s prying expectations of what they think you “should” be. No one blames you. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to survive the apocalypse we have zero control over, so the least we can do is be a bit nicer and considerate of one another. 

At least it’ll make the Third Impact more pleasant whenever it eventually comes...

Happy New Year, everyone! 

Congratulations on surviving 2020! Have fun in 2021...

[wordsmithic]

For the cultural retelling conversation: Does it go both ways? Like, if someone not-American decides to retell Dorthy & the Wizard of Oz, or the John De Conquerer stories, should they also have deal with their history and respect where they came from?

Yes, I don't see why not! I am mainly talking about published stories (books, theatre, and movies) but it wouldn't also hurt in fanfic. I've seen even fanfic writers doing tremendous research on other cultures if the characters are from a different country.

I mean, I've seen Russian, French, English and other pieces adapted for the Greek theater (to bring my country as an example), so I don't see why we can't analyze these stories like we analyze the rest.

Dorthy and the Wizard of Oz, or the John De Conquerer stories don't hold as much weight as the thousands of years old texts about deities preserved for hundreds of generations but! they have history and one still needs to study them, find the basic beats (at least), and examine the context of their creation.

I have a very basic knowledge about Dorthy and solely from US adaptations of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1900). I didn't even know it was a book series and that it was written a century ago, and I have yet to meet a Greek who knows it 😂 I just remember from my childhood, some scenes from an old US movie, a few scenes from a US cartoon and then a Greek book summary. And sure as hell I don't remember mentions of Kansas or California.

Had I managed to put it in the US bookshelves with minimal research, people would soon start to realize "hey, this isn't The Wonderful Wizard of Oz at all! I know the story and the characters very well and this ain't it! Why the heck was this published and marketed so strongly?"

If I changed the original story (as Miller alters the ancient story directly), without studying it properly, I would be at great risk of missing the mark of it altogether.

Like, if I make Dorothy depressed at the start of the book and overall very pessimistic and afraid, if she takes different decisions incompatible with her character in her books, is it really Dorothy Gale or just the character of a girl that I named Dorothy Gale? "Yeah, yeah, this is Dorothy, trust me" 😂

Or, worse, imagine me trying to make the original story of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz "realistic"! "I should really go into depth about why Dorothy has PTSD after the cyclone! No adaptation of the story mentions that and this really overlooks the trauma of children in natural disasters and fighting enemies! The original story is riddled with neglect of children's emotions and why don't why address that?? It's time our society examines the tale deeply in a new, fresh point of view!"

I don't know about you, but I shivered as I wrote the last paragraph😂 Because the story was never even about that, it's just an adventure of a young girl being - as I remember it - empowering for the characters around her. And not everything has to be literal, we can just enjoy the story as it is. It doesn't mean we promote child abuse and neglect or whatever a fanatic Twitter user would say.

I would also take a look at the adaptations and how they were received by the US audience. In the adaptations there could be patterns for Dorothy's character and what her tales meant for the US society. I couldn't know all this without researching and it wouldn't be safe to assume them based on my own experience in Greece.

If I'd made Dorothy want to join the US army, for example, that would likely contradict her character and many readers would rightfully point out that "my interpretation" is nonsense. If I answered "but there have been so many adaptations! There is no "true" Dorothy! I heard the tale as I was growing up and I liked the story so I can alter it as I see fit. And it's a fictional character, why are you so pissed about it? lol" it's safe to assume I would come off as a prick.

Sometimes it can depend on the retelling. If a Greek creator decides to do "Dorthy and the Wizard of Oz in modern Greece" (as a metamodern piece), then obvious changes to the setting will be made. The Greek hero would probably be named Thorothea (Δωροθέα) or Thora (Δώρα) and the US American references and elements (I don't know how strong it is in the story) may be removed altogether and get replaced by Greek ones (like Disney's Hercules) while the story will remain similar.

[ravenclawpotterheadthoughts]

*first day of senior year*

Slytherin: Well, welcome back... in hell. For depressing homework take the hallway to the left and for suicidal exams the one to the right, thank you very much!

Hufflepuff: Oh Sly, don't be such a pessimist! It'll be fun, our last school year... *slowly tearing up a bit* oh my god we are all so grown-up, so mature-

*Gryffindor runs down the hallway, screaming*

Gryffindor: Oh holy mother f*ckers, out of the way!! I prankes the girls in the bathroom and they are chasing meeeeeee!!

Ravenclaw: *giving hufflepuff the side eye* yeah... mature...

[sugargliderowl]

Thoughts on Janus’ Playlist...

Some of my first-time-hearing reactions to Janus’ playlist (sorry for the rambling parts):

Black Hole Sun: It’s apparently about depression according to Genius? Like it’s kinda like yearning for the depression to be sucked into the “black hole sun”... The snake references and heaven and hell is definitely Janus. Also, it sounds old-timey like a jazz song, so that sets up the mood of the entire playlist. I don’t really get this... but this feels like a mood setter for the entire thing, unless it means something else. What do you guys think?

It Seemed the Better Way: The strings? CHILLS. Leonard Cohen’s voice reminds me of Hades in Hadestown. “Sounded like the truth, seemed the better way... but it’s not the truth today” is just his motto is what I’m seeing. And then the “I better hold my tongue, I better take my place...” part feels like resignation to me. It’s either Janus is trying to help, but that didn’t work so he resigns to become the “villain” of the light sides. It could allude to the dark sides as a whole: they are all trying to help Thomas in their ways, but because being themselves doesn’t work, they need the villain, spooky facade.

Anywhere: Ooh, I’m seeing a vintage vibe from all of this... Back to the song. “It’s a beautiful / If you’ve been lied to” is a good callback to the whole “society is built on lies” from SvS from Jay Dee. “Let this be a call to arms / At the changing of the avante garde / Nothing in this world... is beautiful.” Is Janus a pessimist? If so, he’s a good juxtaposition to Patton, the optimist. Also, the vocals remind me of like a really old timey radio, semi-haunted... my instincts say that it feels like the singer is like Harrison Bergeron (Kurt Vonnegut; do read it; it’s a good short story) trying to tell the truth about this world that people think is a good place.

Talking at the Same Time: Someone please draw Janus as like a 1920s gentleman character swaggering... wait I can. This song reminds me of “Why don’t you do right” by Jessica Rabbit on “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Jazz or blues? Either one. This song is really depressing? I don’t know why, but there is that feel of everything is hopeless. Pessimistic, again. “A tiny boy... made a sword from a stick and a gun from his hand” reminds me of Roman in a way? But then again, the “we bailed out all the millionaires / they’ve got the fruit / We’ve got the rind” doesn’t remind me of Roman.

all the good girls go to hell: “MY LUCIFER IS LOOONELYY”... sorry I love this song. Anyways, the lyrics really speak to Janus just because of the whole duality and Christian metaphors. Also, J is the side who would definitely “want the Devil on her team”. We love the whole duality motif. I just *chef’s kiss x3*.

Denial: OH MY GOSH THE SVS REDUX... J was denial. HE WAS DENIAL. “Just don’t shut your eyes closed / Not until I get it off my chest” is basically the blindfold metaphor that happened throughout SvS, so would this be the message he wants to send to Thomas and Patton... or maybe the entire light sides. “Have you turned a corner? / Do you think of leaving me behind?” Dark side acceptance arc? Also, “I know you’re looking for direction... I know where you wanna go / Oh I do, but do you?” is to Roman and Thomas for the callback because he knew they wanted to go “so bad.”

(click for more analysis and summary!)

Trust in Me: Of course, snek boi, I knew this could be something you’ll put in. But do we trust you? So this is his suave villainy song. This again shows how Bananaconda child operates; he wants Thomas to trust him and be selfish but excessively. That’s why balance is necessary for all of the sides!

Razzle Dazzle: *gasp* MUSICAL SONGS NOW? YASSS. Definition is “noisy, showy, and exciting activity and display designed to attract and impress,” so the whole facade of being fancy to hide the insecurities and “bad” parts. Sounds like someone we know (*cough* ROMAN *cough*). “What if your hinges all are rusting / What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting? / Razzle dazzle ‘em and they’ll never catch wise” is just a jab and a stab at Roman. Or maybe it’s him. He’s also the dramatic one. If so, we have angst arriving.

When the Chips are Down: HADESTOWN OH MY YES! STRINGS! AAAAA! Does Janus give me Fate vibes in a way? Yes, definitely. “Nobody’s righteous / Nobody’s proud / Nobody’s innocent / Now that the chips are down” Holy CRAPP. It’s the perfect response to Patton’s “Nobody’s perfect... except for Thomas, he loves his friends!” in SvS. Now that the “chips are down,” Thomas should take after himself... after all, the Fates were telling Eurydice to look after herself. Sounds like what Janus said to Thomas after the Redux.

Mandy Goes to Med School: Oh. Um. This sounds like the whole jazz/20′s theme. This song’s apparently about abortion? I’m kinda confused, so feel free to add on! But it’s quite the bop, just listening to it. Maybe the whole thought that society makes laws based on a false conception? Help.

I Put A Spell On You: Janus definitely goes to jazz clubs. “I can’t stand it ‘cause you put me down” and “I tell ya I ain’t lyin’” and “Because you’re mine” makes the whole villainesque feel. I don’t know where this was from, but this stands out to me just because it was on the “Friends on the Other Side Mashup”. 

Evil Night Together: Ominous, and then jazzy. Jay Dee’s flirting skills go to the max. This also gives the villain vibe by the lyrics referencing things that Remus would be fond about. Also, “Who’s gonna make you a hero” seems to be directed to Roman like he did in SvS. This is a very seductive song with really dark undertones about crime. Janus, that slimy snek boi is a lawful neutral to evil. 

Dont’ Tell Mama: Cabaret... a classic musical, eh? “Hush up, don’t tell mama / Shush up, don’t tell mama” goes to Janus’ power to silence people. “If you had a secret, you bet I would keep it / I would never tell on you...” Janus is definitely the one about lies and secrets, so that goes to that.

You’re a Cad: “What’s the point pretending that you could be a better man? / Just give in, since you always end up right back where you began” “You’re a rascal and a rogue, a villain and a crook” is the other sides viewing him, and “Still I tug at your line, I’m a fish on your hook” and “I should be better, but I’m worse” is hinting at some Janus angst. I think it’s going to be something about trust

As Far as I Can See: JANUS ANGST TRUCKING IN ON TO YA: “Nobody loves me / As far as I can tell.” Or even “Nobody’s listening as far as I can tell / And when I’m crying out / Nobody cries back for me.” Haha... I’m totally fine (*sobbing*). Also, the “we’re all going down / all down the staircase aboard” either hints at the Redux statement of pushing people off staircases... or maybe Virgil who went down the staircase and left the dark sides. Gosh, I thought this was gonna be a hype song by the beat, but I stand corrected.

Criminal: Oh, so the angst continues. Great. Totally great. This somehow links back to the bloopers of Thomas, as J, saying “I’m not bad; I’m just drawn that way.” This is peak sarcasm in a way, but I don’t really know. “I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins / I’ve come to you cause I need guidance to be true / And I just don’t know where I can begin”... is this from Thomas to Janus or the other way? If it’s from Thomas, Janus is kinda mad and is using as much sass as he wants. If it’s from Janus, it’s either he’s lying or he genuinely wants a redemption arc like Virgil did... but in a not so righteous way with “And I need to be redeemed / To the one I’ve sinned against / Because he’s all I ever knew of love.” I don’t really know, but this is such a bop.

Change: “I’ve been thinking it’s just someone else’s job to care / Who am I to sympathize when no one gives a d-” and “” Wow. Janus has his similarities with Logan. He wants to be listened to the sides. I mean, there is a reason why he impersonates the light sides: to be listened without bias. “Change is a powerful thing / I feel it coming in me” foreshadows some good stuff with Janus! YES! Also, “Maybe by the time this song is done / I’ll be able / To be honest” and the rest of the lyrics just hit me like a truck? It hurts the soul in a way. Change is inevitable is the message, so would that mean Janus could have an upgrade? I mean, the change started when SvS Redux happened with him coming out and being accepted by the light sides, so maybe, maybe things will change from there in a good way.

Devil In The Details: “A house of cards / A supple heart / Is not a place to dwell”.... Patton? Oh no. “But know there’s no backing out / This is gonna be reality / You can never dream it out” is going to his reputation and relations with the sides and Thomas? He seemed to have hesitated to say his name and let his reputation down since that would change everything that he has known over the years. Would this mean the dark and light side thing will break in later episodes? Maybe. “I put the past into the ground / I saw the future as a cloud / If there’s still time to turn around / I’m going to” is a big oof. And then... “I am the first one I deceive / If I can make myself believe / The rest is easy” comes in. Is Janus lying to himself? He’s the manifestation of deceit, but is he also doing that to himself? Or it could be to Thomas. But then again...

Come Little Children: Spooky. Nice. This feels like a lullaby. “It must be this way / To weary of life and deceptions / Rest now my children...” and then “The time’s come to play / Here in my garden of shadows” make me think that Janus thinks that this life is quite... painful. I am not too sure about this, tell me what y’all think!

Into The Unknown: Oh it’s not that one. It’s the one from Over The Garden Wall (the animation if I remember it right). I don’t know why, but I saw Come Little Children and connected that to Into the Unknown as words, so that was cool. “Dancing in a swirl / Of golden memories / The loveliest lies / Of all” refers to nostalgia. This song is about nostalgia. Wait. OH WAIT. Patton’s room is all about that... so would that mean nostalgia is also part of Jay Dee too because of the mood around it that is distorted by emotions? That’s something really cool to think about. One more: “If dreams can’t come true / Then why not pretend?” I feel like this points to Virgil in a way because his dream is complete acceptance, but Janus knows V was a dark side, so maybe he’s hinting at Virgil pretending to compensate for the fact that he is a dark side.

Summary:

Janus’ aesthetic would be a 1920-40 vintage theme with jazz on the background, strings and piano used ominous effect, and being flashy and dramatic. He wants to be listened to the other sides, so he puts up different disguises (like to Pat and Lo), which includes his villain facade he put on for the past maybe 2 or 3 years. He strongly believes that society is built on lies, and like in SvS, he doesn’t want Thomas to be disadvantaged in the said society. He loves the whole duality and juxtapositions (I mean, his name is Janus for a good reason) because he embraces them both. He jabs at several sides for them faking themselves to hide their true feelings, but then again, he might also be lying to himself. He knows that change is inevitable after the whole name reveal, and we know that his acceptance arc is going to come. It could be about trust and facing the reality... just my thoughts. In other words, this playlist gave me a bunch of reasons on why Janus is a great morally gray character.

FEEL FREE TO ADD ON! I LOVE SHARING THOUGHTS! Especially with analysis, more people means more thoughts and new ideas and theories. Thank you! 

[365days365movies]

February 24, 2021: Annie Hall (1977) (Part 1)

Well...Woody Allen.

I, uh...OK, look, I could get into the whole Woody Allen thing, but INSTEAD of me doing that, I’ll just say this: look into it. Because there is a LOT on this subject, and it’s controversial as HELL. At the end of the day, I’ll recommend this upcoming series on HBO, and just recommend that you look into it.

Because, uh...yeah, it’s not great. That’s all I’m gonna say, because I need to educate myself on it more as well. Instead, let’s talk for a few seconds about divorcing the art from the artist. But ONLY for a few seconds.

I understand why some of you might be surprised I’m doing this one. Because, again...Woody Allen. But, yeah, I always try to do my best to divorce the art from the artist. Because some people suck, but they still make nice things, or at the very least, things that should be open to interpretation and appreciation.

“Superfreak” is a classic song of 1981, and everybody’s heard at least some of it, but Rick James fuckin’ kidnapped two women and kept them in his basement, WHERE HE TORTURED THEM. Edgar Degas made beautiful paintings of ballet dancers, and was also A MASSIVE ANTI-SEMITE. And before he was (RIGHTFULLY AND JUSTIFIABLY) outed as a roofie-ing piece-o-shit...I grew up with - and genuinely enjoyed - this guy’s comedy.

And you can judge me for this, but...I still think his stand-up was and is genuinely funny, and I still appreciate the cultural impact that The Cosby Show had on society’s perception of African-American families, divorced from the stereotype of the ghetto. Fact of the matter is, works themselves deserve to be separated from the artist who made them. That’s my philosophy, and I’m sticking with it Entirely fine to disagree with me, by the way, I get it.

But in that spirit, I’m watching Annie Hall, despite its creators likely transgressions. After all, this is technically his magnum opus, and it’s a good look into the man himself. And so, with that in mind: Annie Hall! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) is talking directly to us about his outlook on life, and his view on the potential future. He tells half of a joke, then an amusing anecdote, and a bit more until telling us that he’s broke up with Annie, and he’s still thinking about it, trying to figure out exactly where things went wrong. He goes back to the beginning, which is punctuated with flashbacks.

He grew up in Brooklyn in World War II, and a young Alvy (Jonathan Munk) is with his mother (Joan Newman) at the doctor’s. He’s depressed after learning that the universe will one day end after a period of expansion, and is having his first real existential crisis. I had mine around the same age, actually, went I learned that the Earth will one day get swallowed by the sun. And THEN came the realization that I’d be dead by that point. AND THEN came the realization that I’d die one day, and that was a WHOLE NEW crisis to...anyway.

He grew up under the Coney Island rollercoaster according to him (although his analyst says that he exaggerates), and that’s what he blames for his “nervous personality. He’s also got an active imagination, often blurring fantasy and reality. His Dad ran the bumper cars on Coney Island (a place that I’ve never been, but desperately want to go).

He continues on talking about his former schoolmates, and not really that well. While in class, young Alvy kisses a...little girl...ahem. And then, when reprimanded by the teacher, current Alvy notes that he was always...like that...and he also says this to the little girl, and they talk about Freud’s latency period, and Alvy said he never...had...one...that’s uh...that’s fuckin’ SOMETHING, now isn’t it?

OK, well, shoving that forcefully aside as hard as I can, Alvy wonders aloud on where his classmates now, and one of them says this:

This also involves a little girl saying she’s “into leather,” which is...awkward as FUCK, but WE’RE GONNA MOVE THE FUCK ON. Alvy recounts his paranoia, and was so even after he became a famous comedian (which we say after a VERY good joke about qualifying for the army as a hostage). He speaks to a friend, Rob (Tony Roberts) about potential anti-Semitism from a person in a passersby meeting, then heads to meet Annie.

Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) arrives at a movie theater, late and in a bad mood. The two are late to their intended film, argue briefly, then head to another film that they’ve already seen, The Sorrow and the Pity. In line, they’re in front of a man loudly soliloquizing on film, much to Alvy’s annoyance.

Annie and Alvy continue to argue a bit, while Alvy openly berates the casual film critic. In the middle, he talks to the audience about it, only to be followed by the crtiic himself, who also acknowledges the audience! Huh! Anyway, he’s a professor at Columbia, and starts continuing his line speech, this time on the work of Marshall McLuhan, one of the most important early media theorists ever. And then, Alvy brings out Marshall McLuhan (Marshall McLuhan) to debate him on it, only for Alvy to turn to the audience and wish aloud that life could really be like this!

I’m beginning to understand why people like this film. It’s metacontextual before metacontextuality was really a thing in film. It’s a fourth-wall breaking movie in some fantastic ways. But will it still hold its muster after breaking the fourth wall’s become so commonplace? we’ll see, I guess.

After a showing of the film, the two return home, and Alvy tries to initiate sex. But Annie’s not really into it at the moment, and Alvy complains that they used to have sex all the time, and it’s been a while since. So, I guess that retroactively awkward scene at the school was meant to foreshadow Alvy’s high libido, that will probably cause some conflict in the film. Anyway, Annie notes that Alvy once went through something similar with Allison, his first wife. Who’s Allison? Flashback!

Allison Portchnik (Carol Kane) is a graduate student in political science, working for a campaign that Alvy’s about to perform for. He’s nervous, as he’s going on after another comedian. She comforts him by saying that she thought he was cute, and he does well. But we flash-forward to a night after they’re married, shortly after the death of JFK, which Alvy’s obsessing over, entertaining various conspiracy theories.

However, Allison rightly points out that his obsession is simply a way for him to avoid having sex with her, which mirrors the present-day situation him him and Annie. Flash forward TO Alvy and Annie, and there are just lobsters...everywhere, on the floor in their kitchen. After that commotion, they talk about Annie’s past romances.

And by talk about, I mean they LITERALLY WALK THROUGH her memories. And I gotta say...I fuckin’ love this method of storytelling. One of her previous boyfriends is an actor (John Glover), and his over-dramatic prose sickens Alvy. We see a second marriage of Alvy’s to New Yorker writer Robin (Janet Margolin), who’s dragged him to a stuffy high society party of intellectuals that he has no interest in going to. Same her, Alvy. I bet the caviar’s canned.

He tries to initiate sex with her - in the middle of the party, mind you - and she turns him down. later, when they get to it in their apartment, she’s unable to, uh...reach satisfaction. From there, we flash-forward after that marriage ends to a tennis match with Rob, where he meets one of his mutual friends: Annie Hall.

And for the record, Annie’s pretty obviously got a crush on him, and she’s adorable as fuck. Also, that outfit, real talk...that outfit rules. She offers to give Alvy a list, during which he’s quite worried about her driving, but the two still get along well enough. Annie’s an amateur photographer, during a time period where photography is considered a relatively new art form. The two go to her apartment, and share familial anecdotes and personal stories about themselves. And as they talk, we also see a set of subtitles on top of each of them that betray their inner feelings and thoughts.

I do genuinely like the stylings of the movie, goddamn. This conversation leads to Alvy asking her out on a date, although they end up scheduling it after Annie auditions at a nightclub as a singer. And while it doesn’t go great, Alvy tells her she was fantastic, and they share a kiss before they head to dinner. They head to her place afterwards, and we cut to later that night, post-coitus.

And then, we get a flash-forward back to the next day, where the two are at a bookstore, and Alvy speaks on his personal philosophy of life.

I'm obsessed with uh, with death, I think. Big - big subject with me, yeah. I have a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out. You know, I - I feel that life is - is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know. The - the horrible would be like, um, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life - you should be thankful that you're miserable because you're very lucky to be miserable.

Iiiiinteresting.

Shortly into their relationship, they admit they’re in love (or “lurve”, as Alvy says). She moves in with Alvy, which he initially isn’t the biggest fan of, having been burned in two previous marriages And already, their relationship is showing a few bumps. Alvy’s also always trying to push her to take college classes, while she uses mariuana whenever they have sex, which Alvy doesn’t agree with.

But as they have sex one night, without the marijuana at Alvy’s urging, Annie’s mind wanders - LITERALLY.

This film...this film has a VERY unique style of visual storytelling, and I am HERE for it! Seriously, I genuinely love this method of storytelling and comedy, it’s extremely engaging to me.

Soon enough, Alvy gets an interview to write for a talk show host, which he ABSOLUTELY despises. But in doing so, he decides to go into stand-up for himself, and is actually quite successful at it! But before we get to that, we’re at the halfway point! See you in Part 2!